just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
