I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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