On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
