How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
