phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
