I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Randomize
