Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Damn victory sex feels great
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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