I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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