There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
