You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
