I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
