i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize