my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
