i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
