watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
