I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
