Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
