DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
