Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
