he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
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