True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
