I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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