Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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