i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
