grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
