If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
