when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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