hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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