so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
