I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
