I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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