I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
you had me at cake vodka
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
