when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
