any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
