life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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