i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
