don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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