Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
