He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
