Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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