I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize