i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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