What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
