you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
