my phone needs a breathalizer
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
