Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
