I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
She's like a pop up book from hell.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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