Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
