I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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