So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
As shirtless as possible
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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