Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
