just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
sarcasm needs its own font
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
