Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
