bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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