Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Well I just put wine in my tea
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
