Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
But we have bathrooms and they dont
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
