Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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