i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
